She smiled and said excuse me. She explained that she had just switched to vegetarianism and the food was playing havoc with her stomach. A smell that could sear raw tuna wafted up from her fanny. I tried desperately to pretend like I didn’t notice.

The air began to clear and she continued on with her story. It happened again. “Excuse me.” Another updraft of effluvia that one would think to find in battle as secret weapon directed at the enemy, escaped from the smallish behind of this gorgeous blonde. I desperately wanted to say something like, “maybe this isn’t a good time to be letting those go.” But she beat me to the punch by articulating her philosophy. “Were all natural beings and natural things happen to us all.”

A third muffled trumpet blast and I bowed out as delicately as I could.

The timing of farts, especially foul smelling ones, is a talent that begins in our teenage years. Youth reveals the glorious power of the silent but deadly or SBD farts. A well executed SBD when departing an elevator in a building of thirty floors or more is always great fun. It’s unfortunate that one can never sit back watch the stares of blame that undoubtedly occur between the remaining passengers. A true aficionado would hatch a plan for illuminating all the buttons before leaving his gaseous gift.

A friend uncorked a vaporous atrocity in a grocery store. The smell was so intense that it caused an elderly woman to delicately balance herself using her cane as she slowly lifted up each foot to inspect the bottom of her shoe. That simply placed caustic bubble made him an instant legend.

As we reach dating age, the ability to produce epic farts becomes a liability. Suddenly we become very aware of the reaction our body has to the types of food we eat, and we plan our dates accordingly. Should we misjudge the menu or get caught in the tide of a large social gathering to a Mexican restaurant, simple maneuvers masked in chivalry save the day.

A massive gas release while walking around the front of the car after politely holding and shutting the passenger door for your date is probably the most common. More advanced gastro-masters have learned that offering to take the garbage out for a dates mother offers an enormous amount of time to evict the gas caused by the new dinner recipe experiment.

Of course we’re all aware of the legendary Charles L. He was stuck in a small Lake Tahoe vacation cabin with his girlfriend and girlfriend’s family in the dead of winter. Offering to clear the candles from the table, he safely dispatched the biological reaction to a raw cabbage and beet salad by igniting his fart during the loud part of a DVD rental within 30 feet of the entire family.

By the time we leave the nest and begin our college years we are afforded the freedom of being able to sleep over at a girls house like a real grown up. This evolution raises a whole new level of anxiety. Twelve hours next to the babe you’re trying to impress after an evening of Indian curry or Chinese food will push your bowel control to the absolute limits. Getting in and out of bed to run to the bathroom every 20 minutes runs the risk of waking your date which would undoubtedly cause her to think that you’ve got some sort of problem that you don’t want to talk about.

Relief comes in the form of fanny yoga. It’s a method that requires you to recognize the distinct sound of pattern breathing indicating the first stage of REM sleep in which the sensitivity of the olfactory senses are diminished. Deftly angling your body while grabbing your left or right butt cheek reduces the sound of escaping gas to a faint gust. Offering to sleep next to the open window, ostensibly to protect your date from the cold air, gives you adequate venting, and, points for being a gentleman.

Eventually, you’ll slip up and let one go in front of the person your courting. A brief, uncomfortable glance followed by a giggle indicates a right of passage to the next level of the relationship. You farted out loud and got a laugh. You’re officially a couple.

A good ol’ fashion fart can make or break a moment especially when you find a good time to let one go.