the price is right

Does anybody remember “two buck chuck”? It is the wine offered by the Charles Shaw winery that Trader Joe’s sells for two bucks a bottle. The wine first showed up on the shelves at Trader Joe’s a few years ago wrapped in a story that when the office of Homeland Security banned glass on airplanes, all the cases of Charles Shaw wine purchased by the airlines were instantly orphaned. Trader Joes, ever the opportunist on behalf if their customers, made a deal with the airlines and bought palettes of the stuff to offer to its shoppers for two bucks. It was rumored, undoubtedly by Trader Joes, that the wine was used by the airlines in their first class cabins. For some reason the “first class” label wooed droves of purchasers who gave little thought to the fact that price of a bottle of Charles Shaw was about the same price as a bottle of Thunderbird, the famous vintage usually found in downtown doorways laying on its side next to its transient consumer in a similar position of repose.
At my local Trader Joe’s in Los Angeles I saw cases of Charles Shaw get loaded into the trunks of late model BMWs, Mercedes and Porches. The snobby set had gone bonkers for the stuff. This led to a year of party invites that stipulated very proudly that there was “no reason to bring anything we got lots.” It is a garish way of saying I am able to finance the typically expensive booze portion of my 20 person gathering with the “quick withdrawal” amount at the ATM.
During this period of parties with vino aplenty, I noticed I’d get slight headache about three hours after my first sip of the Chuck. I was convinced that the consistent malady was a result of not drinking enough water whilst partying. So every glass of wine was followed by a nice sized glass of water turning my stomach contents into a lovely Two Buck Chuck rose’. Yet, in spite of my hydrating diligence, the dull headaches continued.
One day in garment district in downtown Los Angeles a homeless fellow approached me for a donation. I obliged him with dollar asking him if was going to use the money for food. “Hell know,” he said. “I gotta get me some aspirin, that shit I drink gives me a fucking headache.” He motioned to his little corner of the world contained in rogue Trader Joes shopping cart. There, on top of his belongings were two bottles of Charles Shaw cabernet. I threw him an additional five bucks and told him I felt his pain. He looked at me like I was a lunatic, but sent me on my way with a gratitude infused “god bless you for your generosity” just the same.
I took the experience of my downtown dwelling friend as scientific gospel. He was, after all, a professional. From that day forward, no matter how unselfish a party host was with their vast cellar Two Buck Chuck, I always brought my own, slightly more expensive bottle of red. I haven’t had a headache since.




